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January 14, 2005
Broken Poem
As noted before, this segment is for poems that don't quite work. If you have suggestions for a fix, post away. There are several bits that may be clunky or opaque. I think the last stanza is a bit cheesy, except I really like the last line. This is a "broken" poem in more ways than one. As I post it now, there has been significant healing since the time when it was penned, with thanks to God.
traffic reports
living in the suburbs
she in the city center
i hear the commentaries on woe
of a thousand mini dreams deferred
of smooth commutes
subsumed in loss and fumes
i do not feel that pain
as i roll through barren fields
through barren towns
their dreams forever deferred
to loss and rust
i only feel the pain of hearing names
of streets and ways
that intersect her world
that take her places
and then to home
i too have streets and ways
that i take
and a home
i just need to get a map
to find some place to go
and find some way
whenever I cross the river
to stop dreaming of old bridges
Random Poetry | By jackdas | 9:48 AM
Comments
Neil,
It's Odetta. Let me begin by stating my comments may be a bit instrusive. I used to do this for a living not that long ago. So please feel free to push back.
1. When you first wrote this poem, were you looking to establish tone through a particular structure? I ask this because the first stanza contains seven lines, stanzas 2-3 five, stanza 4 8. It seems that the poem lends itself well to symmetry in line structure, though I suspect you may shy from that.
2. I love the rhythm of traveling. . ."smooth commutes", "roll through barren fields" in the first few stanzas. However I miss that fresh use of language in the last stanza.
3. Have you considered removing "to get" in the 4th line of stanza four? Then the emphasis would be on the map, which I believe, seems more important to the narrator than the "getting". I think that last stanza doesn't sing as well as the others. Perhaps cutting a line may help. . don't know.
Honestly, I like the opaque quality of this poem. I mean broken relationships are like that, are they not? Having just said that, perhaps my first comment of sticking to a particular structure would actually take away from the opaque tone. Perhaps my comments in number one would take away from that need for movement in your poem. . . . hmm.. . pondering. . . .
Anyway, still dining on the delicious vegetarian curry you made for the grant team a few nights ago. I was not kidding when I said that meal made me a happy woman. Good food is such a blessing from the Lord. Thank you for blessing me in that way.
Odetta
Posted by: Classy at January 28, 2005 4:47 PM
Odetta, thank you for your comments. I will ponder them in more depth later, but briefly let me say that I did not really plan a structure at all, though I am not at all opposed to trying that. This was more of a stream of consciousness, or stream of emotions, poem. I completely agree that the last stanza does not "sing." I think your suggestion about "to get" is a good one. I may rework this poem at some point.
I am glad that you enjoyed and continue to enjoy the curry. And thank you for commenting.
Posted by: Neil E. Das at January 28, 2005 4:56 PM
